Never Too Old?

By Mike Welsh
I’m going to buy myself a 60th birthday present next month. A pet monkey whom I can train to rip the face off the next person who tries to buoy me with the stupid saying… “Sixty is the new Fifty”.
I’m hanging onto 59 for dear life, but I’m flexible and open to suggestions, if nothing else. So if sixty really is the new fifty, I ’m really only 49. Phew thank god for that!!!… Which also means when I say I’m still in my late 40s on a resume, I’m not really lying, am I? But if they swallowed that small exaggeration they’d have to have me in for a ‘face to face’ chat and that would be very awkward especially when they smell the urine. The game would be up. I’m old. Apparently there are laws which prevent them from discriminating against me on the grounds of my “advanced years”. So, it’s easier for them to put back on the ten years which, a stupid new cliché says I can subtract, and drop me a format letter/email to make sure I still feel a part of the system. It’s possible I’m dyslexic, but mathematically, (not my best subject), I’ve deduced that when seeking employment 50 is in reality the new 60.
Recently somebody here in Australia suggested we should postpone retirement and think about working through to our 70s, because we desperately need “your lifetime of unique skills”. Apparently some “skills” are going to be in short supply in the next decade. Wonder what those skills might be?
Be ironic if the anticipated shortage included the god given gifts of the highly sought after wordsmith who knocks out those…. “Dear Mike, Thank you for your recent application for the above position. Unfortunately your application was not successful on this occasion. Your time and interest in the role is appreciated and we would like to assure you that full consideration was given to all applications received” letters. But I’m too old to be ironic. But not, hopefully, too old to be sarcastic.
Wouldn’t it be refreshing for someone to say it like it is in a rejection letter? Brutal but balanced. At least we’d get a laugh with our rejection.
Dear Aged Person/Old Man/Senior Person/Has-Been
What in god’s name were you thinking in making an application for the above position? We would love to say we were impressed with your 33+ years extensive experience in this field but, it doesn’t count for a stack of goat droppings here. Here in the real world, we’ve got 12 year old kids coming out of university at the rate of knots, all with nice shiny degrees, but with nothing to do. Thanks to the clever country they don’t have jobs to go to. However we must, for the sake of appearances, continue dragging them off the streets and nursing them through a 3 year degree. It’s just how the system works. So you see, sunshine, you’re wasting your time and ours by foolishly putting yourself forward for jobs you for which you’ve a green frog’s hope in hell of even getting an interview. Let me do us both a favour here. Not wishing to put too finer point on’re washed up, finished, aint gonna happen, pop. Why don’t you consider spending more time at the bottom of your garden where they tell tall tales of people working well into their seventies and, other fairytales about the world needing your rare and valuable gifts. But we wish you every success in the future you don’t have. You’re gonna need luck by the bucket full..(sorry ‘bout the bucket reference) but while we’re being honest here… You are just too old!!
If you spot an angry old man with a pet monkey roaming around the village next year be super careful of what you say to him. Although you’d be pretty safe. I understand it’s illegal to own a monkey. Homer Simpson was breaking the law.

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