DOH! SCOMO’S MYEFO TORPEDOED

By Mike Welsh

WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO LOW 


‘What can ya do’ might be Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s private mantra lately but no doubt he’ll put a polished spin on the latest roadblock placed in his path to Adelaide Ave and a legitimate mandate from the people next year.

WHAT CAN YA DO?

It’s the National party (this time) which is creating damage to the conservative brand but it still must be dealt with and dealt with quickly. 

For the nationals indeed ‘what do you do’ when your bench is bare and you only have Barnaby Joyce skulking in the wings. The last thing you need is the man from Hong Kong Mallee MP Andrew Broad. 

The Nationals have a leadership problem but lately when country cousins have a problem their slicker city conservative relatives also have a problem.

National’s leader and soon to step in as acting Prime Minister Michael McCormack is not for the long haul. That is clear.

Andrew Broad or, if New Idea is driving the narrative, “Randy Andy” has quit after ‘considering his future’. The “Mallee Bull’ has stumbled off the pious political platform he build after being outed as a cad by the gutter mag New Idea. 

Image repair

A cosy arrangement with a malleable Canberra press gallery which- when it suits-‘respectfully’ remains within the ‘what goes on in Canberra etc etc’ – is now seemingly off.  Now shamless scandal mag New Idea has entered new waters by exposing a political sex scandal. With Karl Stephanovic losing his badboy appeal and Shane Warne and Nick Kyrgios behaving themselves the mag seemingly has been forced to “grow the biz” by other means. Has New Idea pricked the Canberra bubble ? 

There are plenty in and outside the ‘bubble’ who, smugly, claim to know what goes on.

The one-time adviser to Liberal Democrat senator David Leyonhjelm Helen Dale (aka Helen Demidenko of Miles Franklin infamy) this year shared some salacious tit bits picked up from her time in the capital. 

“Politicians, staffers and reporters circle each other warily but also socialise, aided by alcohol and bonhomie. 
“Wednesday evenings, when sittings are truncated and everyone’s diary fills with boozy events, have been known to generate more sex than Canberra’s brothels.”

Could New Idea’s straying beyond the respectful boundaries of the bubble potentially reveal a big bowl of trouble for others?.  

For the Nationals though all is not lost. The grand-daddy of all badboys, Barnaby Joyce, has finally grown up and settled down. Joyce is reportedly ready and willing to crack the whip again and take over from the poor unfortunate “Micky Mac” who may well go down as one of the most beige Deputy Prime Ministers of all time.

The former first lady Michelle Obama hit a high note on political Ps and Qs in 2016 when she said “when they go low we go high”

But how low do they have to go before the Nats give Barnaby another go?

 

CITY NEWS JUNE 7

City News

DESPITE a relatively unremarkable-to-date annual kangaroo cull, an animal rights activist is spooking Canberra motorists.

The protester sets up on Mugga Lane most afternoons between 3 and 6, complete with corflutes and a lifelike kangaroo mask, urging passersby to “stop the kangaroo massacre”, which is “cruel and catastrophic”.

Some motorists toot in approval, others give a lengthy blast to show displeasure and occasionally yell obscenities.

While our intrepid activist is cull-campaign toughened, one recent experience left the protester blindsided.

The driver of a large black, four-wheel drive pulled in after dark one night, then quickly left. The driver returned the following night armed with a portable light and a supply of batteries, “to make sure people see your sign”.

LRVs are coming and they are fast. Posters are popping up in shopping centres warning that LRVs (Light Rail Vehicles) are “approaching” and posing the question: “Are you Rail Ready?”

Canberra-metro.com.au has begun training commuters to “only cross at designated intersection crossings”, pointing out that LRVs move quickly and that “earphones and other distractions can put you at risk”.

Meantime cynics who scoffed at a 2018 Stage 1 deadline may have a glimmer of hope with the wriggle room that appears to have been applied to the latest update.

The word is that the project will be completed on schedule by the end of 2018 with the first passengers carried in the first quarter of 2019.

As for Stage 2 it appears to be way ahead of schedule, given there is no schedule. A large “light rail stops here” banner is plastered across the facade of the site of Geocon’s skyscraper, the Grand Central Towers at Woden.

IF there was a Walkley Award for weasel words Nationals’ leader Michael McCormack would already have his name engraved on one of the prized gongs.

Attempting to drown out predecessor Barnaby Joyce’s noise on decentralisation, the former journalist said: “Whilst there is always more work to do, any initiatives which enhance the government’s strategic policy focus on decentralisation – to not only grow regional communities but also decrease congestion in our cities and improve the quality of life and share economic opportunities more broadly – are always welcome.”

DESPITE the ongoing debacle surrounding Barnaby Joyce’s relocation of the APVMA to Armidale, the decentralisation sword of Damocles continues to hang over some Canberra public servants.

At a recent estimates hearing Nationals Senate leader Nigel Scullion admitted “seven agencies were being considered by cabinet for decentralisation away from Canberra, Sydney and Melbourne”.

The former Deputy PM continues to mock the concept after reports of staff being moved from Sydney to Parramatta suggesting: “You can’t decentralise to the centre. You have to decentralise from the centre”.

IN 2013 Belconnen was proud that a local pizza shop was consistently topping its franchise’s nationwide chain. Florey Domino’s dominated the chain’s 550 outlets nationwide winning its 13th straight annual sales award. At the time Domino’s Florey was knocking out a pie every two minutes. Now Domino’s languishes at the bottom of the just published Deakin University’s Global Obesity Centre study.

STILL on nutrition and the University of Canberra is trumpeting the appointment of health and fitness guru Michelle Bridges’ dietitian Lisa Donaldson.

Diagnosed with coeliac disease and other intestinal issues more than a decade ago, Ms Donaldson, who holds a Bachelor of Education degree from UC, returned to the institution to undertake a Master of Nutrition and Dietetics graduating in 2011. Donaldson, who has also worked with Channel 9 nutritionist Dr Joanna McMillan, returns as UC’s dietitian in residence.

FORMER Ainslie transgender footballer Hannah Mouncey apparently has made giant steps in handling her “potty mouth”. The athlete who came to prominence after being banned by the AFL from playing in the AFLW recently appeared on Fox Footy’s “Open Mike” with the doyen of Melbourne AFL scribes Mike Sheahan. Mouncey tweeted that she had “recorded Open Mike without swearing… seriously, it’s a big f&*%@$g achievement”.

THE DOGS ARE BARKING ON BARNABY

The Dogs are barking …..Barnaby is about to be 'put down'.
cropped-parli-house-day-i-turnbull.jpg
Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce's arch enemy Tony Windsor is the proverbial 'dog with two dicks' this week. The former member for New England tweeted  @Barnaby_Joyce Time to go , but before you do you might apologies to my wife and my now deceased mother for your disgraceful behaviour and to the many others on your trail of misinformation and deceit . You deserve no sympathy , the sympathy should go to those you have damaged” .
While good ole Barn's bush buddies gather today to decide what to do about the dirty dog,the canine theme was let off the leash at the weekend. The Tele's Miranda Devine's  piece on the Barney business,revisited another famous political philander. Quoting Natalie Joyce on Barnaby's form .....Devine wrote  Joyce “hasn’t been an easy dog to keep on the porch”, as Hillary Clinton once put it, but Natalie has persevered, understanding that highs and lows are part of his personality telling friends “he always comes back”. 
Is this a political comeback or is she referring to his form in 'leaving the porch'?

TOP 10 BARNABY JOYCE HEADLINES USING BEATLE SONGS

By Mike Welsh

1 WHEN I’M 64 (SHE’LL BE 47)

2 TWIST N SHOUT (JOBS AND GROWTH)

3 WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS (MY SAX WAILS)

4 JOHNNY B GOODE (BARNABY B BAD)

5 PAPERBACK WRITER (THE PUBLIC HAS A RIGHT TO KERNOT)

6 I SAW HER STANDING THERE (SO I THOUGHT WTF)

7 LET IT BE ( A BOY CALLED BARNABY)

8 HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN (AND I’M FIRING REAL BULLETS)

9 THE FOOL ON THE HILL (FELL FOR A GIRL ON THE RISE)

10 HELP (I’M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE)

CITY NEWS SEVEN DAYS NOV 30

By Mike Welsh

http://www.citynews.com.au

AS Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s annus horribilis nears an end, 2018 is already looking to be just as horrible.

Adelaide teenager Ned Richards, who walked from his hometown to Canberra in February challenging Turnbull over his poor treatment of refugees, plans to return. And this time 13-year-old Ned is bringing other youngsters and some grandmothers.

Ned’s father Adam, who joined his son for February’s 1200-kilometre “Refugee Regatta”, says the 2018 walk – in February/March – will begin from the steps of the Opera House in Sydney and finish at the Federal parliament.

canberra-walk-adam-and-ned-adelaide-ave-x-1
Ned (left) and his father Adam Richards walk past the Lodge in February

THE pushing back of the final parliamentary sitting of the year by the Coalition has thrown the plans of many visitors into disarray. In particular the hundreds of school children making their scheduled trip to the capital will leave mostly disappointed. As exciting as Questacon and the Australian War Memorial are, witnessing your country’s leaders behaving like school children is a rare and entertaining treat.

YOU don’t see many Akubras in the hipster hub of Braddon. Especially now that the area has taken on a rainbow hue. As a group of LGBTQI volunteers applied the final coats of paint and glitter to a rainbow roundabout, “benched” Nationals Leader Barnaby Joyce was spotted lurking nearby. Joyce, who is opposed to same-sex marriage, obviously subscribes to the Young Farmers’ unofficial slogan: “You don’t have to be one to be one”.

IF ACT Labor Senator Katy Gallagher is superstitious she may be nervous about the “Q&A” curse. The senator – still under a dual-citizenship cloud – could join the list of 11 members who’ve already been forced to seek a High Court ruling on their eligibility to hold office. Nine of the list including Jacqui Lambie, Barnaby Joyce, Nick Xenophon, Malcolm Roberts, Fiona Nash and Scott Ludlam, all panellists on the ABC’s program have been punted. Katy was on “Q&A” in June, 2015.

katie JETS pic

CONFUSING messages and scary noises dominate the local real estate world. According to an ANU report the capital is over supplied with housing properties. And the CommSec’s “Home Size” trend report reveals that apartments in Canberra are the smallest (and getting smaller) in the nation.

Meanwhile the city’s largest apartment developer Geocon has been forced to bring in experts to explain noises in apartments at its Wayfarer site in Belconnen. Residents of the complex say the banging noises in the ceiling are loud enough to wake them at night. And on the “Canberra Notice Board” page on Facebook:  “WANTED… any upcoming homes in the Campbell area or inner-south up to $1500 per week for rent”.

CANBERRANS in their thousands were drawn into the hype surrounding the opening of Australia’s 26th H&M store. Thousands queued well before the Canberra Centre doors to the Swedish fashion retailer opened. Social media stepped up to the plate with Twitter swinging from the cynical “really excited about all the future landfill we can buy” to the blunt “An H & M just opened in Canberra and people are like vultures. I’ll come back when people have some self control”.

CANBERRANS are being asked to choose an official mammal mascot. Problem is the cutest are already taken. SA has the Southern Hairy Nosed Wombat, WA proudly displays the numbat and lucky old Queensland cuddles the koala. So it may just have to be the wide-mouthed territory tailgater (territorus tailgatus). A large, beige, impatient creature, the ‘gater is believed to have evolved in the Tuggeranong Valley after being displaced by construction of the Hyperdome. In recent years it has migrated north where it regularly terrorises motorists on the GDE!